Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
