Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
