Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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