Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
