I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Damn victory sex feels great
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
