1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
