Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
All the doctor said was why
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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