how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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