Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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