I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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