Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
