I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
