Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
