Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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