I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
