Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
