Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
