If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
