I just saw a hot homeless man
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
