how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Found your dick twin last night
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
