just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
