3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Even my vagina gasped.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
