if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she looked like the before picture.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
