Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You ruined the universe
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
