OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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