if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
