she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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