the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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