is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
