Sry I called you an 8
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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