Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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