Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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