bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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