every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have aggressive nipples.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
