i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
