he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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