the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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