did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
