Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
There's even glitter on my cock...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
