i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
