I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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