Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
