I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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