I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
