I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
