i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
