I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
