I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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