My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
