This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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