he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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